If you have problems with attending a viewing of the deceased or a cremation/burial ceremony (both of which are completely optional for a Dutch funeral, so it depends on the family), you may skip those too though I recommend you do attend the cremation/burial if you were close to the deceased. A word of advice: don’t overlook a Dutch person’s birthday! How do you express condolences, for example; do you give condolence cards, visit the family, attend a wake, etc? "Gecondoleerd" (literally: my condolences) is the Dutch standard, so don't be surprised to hear it said a ton of times. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. The family will respond. For now, here’s a summary of what a wedding tends to look like in NL: Occasionally, the Dutch will succumb to the temptation to celebrate a wedding anniversary, with a large group of friends and family. Check in with them from time to time to see if there is anything you can do and let them know you are thinking of them. Whether in person at the funeral, or in a condolence note sent with flowers, the best advice for what what to say when someone dies — keep it simple and speak from the heart. In their view, the more years the merrier! I wish I had the right words, just know I care. While this may be true, at the moment, the person is deeply in grief and feels terrible. I am pretty well aware of the customs in the UK, but having never had need of these in the Netherlands, I'm unsure if what flies over here, goes over there too. … If the person wants to talk, listen. They are very popular in the Netherlands: One very unique Dutch custom is that of ‘congratulating’. Here is the protocol: In the Netherlands, people routinely give one another gifts. Send it anyway. It will say something like: ‘we would prefer no visitors’. The festivities surrounding this special occasion usually go something like this: The Dutch have a special way of remembering Birthdays: Birthday calendars. Depending on the family's choice, Catholic funerals can be rather informal. Younger people tend to not care about this so much, but personally I feel that it shows respect. To Do Immediately After Someone Dies Get a legal pronouncement of death. If your loved one died in a hospital or nursing home where a doctor was present, the staff will handle this. Strangely enough, a Church ceremony alone does not constitute a legal marriage in Holland. linkedin; Karen Raymaakers RN, CON(C) is a certified oncology nurse that has worked with leukemia and lymphoma patients for over a decade. 2. There are some very specific forms of etiquette in the Netherlands, and you risk offending your Dutch neighbors if you do not adhere to them. Of course, you should mean what you say! The death of a loved one is pretty much the saddest thing that can befall us. The Dutch aren't great on spontaneity like that, and there is a metric shitton of things to do. Also I want to condolence you with your lost. A brief, positive, personal story about the deceased. If you have never experienced the death of a child, it's extremely difficult to know what to say to someone facing this type of loss. At the time of dies cedit, the beneficiary has to be alive or have been conceived. Say bad things about the person’s dad. In the Netherlands, nearly everyone celebrates their birthday with great enthusiasm. When someone dies, it triggers immediate and ongoing pain and sadness. I have a hard enough time attending funerals home in the UK, and now I have one to prepare for in The Hague. 4. This is a tough one for me. If you don't feel like seeing a dead body, try to avoid small rooms in the 'mortuarium' (morgue?). Not necessarily black but not bright red or yellow either. Regardless of the circumstances, sending a card to express your condolences when someone has lost a pet will be appreciated. The Netherlands has its own unique set of customs. If you don't know something good to say, remain silent. I hope we could have helped you a bit. This is great advice. "Get over it." Perhaps formal, but it's a neat one-word way of conveying everything. This is indeed perfectly okay. An official declaration of death is the first step to getting a death certificate, a critical piece of paperwork. (although I have never been to one in another country, so I can't be sure). It is more important to be there for them than for it to be 'perfect'. “When there is a relationship that was draining or hard, there can be a freedom or relief when that person dies — and then what immediately comes is the guilt,” said Devine, adding that the ancient taboo of speaking ill of the dead is still surprisingly powerful. In Dutch, this translates as: ‘, Depending on how close you were to the deceased, you could have a flower arrangement delivered by a, A ribbon or card is usually attached to the coffin too, with a few words of farewell and the names of the sender(s), Other families might prefer you to donate money to a charity, rather than give flowers, They will tell you what their charity of choice is, Here, you will be given the opportunity to pay your condolences to the surviving family in person, Sometimes, a family will send out a notice, informing acquaintances that the funeral will be held for the immediate family only: ‘. In Holland, a Birthday is a special occasion that simply must be celebrated the Dutch way! What Guille... said, and buy the boy a teddy bear (dog, rabbit, dino, whatever) so he has something to hold on to. What’s more, they have a very unique way of honoring this milestone! Over 100,000 Americans have died from the coronavirus, and thanks to social media, many of us who aren’t personally in mourning are digitally connected to someone who is. The person who has reached 50 is referred to as ‘Abraham’ if he is a man, or ‘Sarah’ if she is a woman, These names and this tradition originate from the bible, It is a reference to when Jesus said that Abraham had ‘seen’ the day he was to become the Messiah, Skeptics thought that Jesus was claiming to have actually ‘met’ Abraham, They remarked sarcastically: ‘Not yet 50 years of age, but already you have met Abraham!’, Abraham and Sarah were both very long-lived. Send a card - though it might or might not get there before the actual funeral depending on how fast UK-to-NL mail is. You must not only ‘congratulate’ the person having their birthday, but his or her relatives, friends and even neighbors as well! Though there are relatively few ways of saying “Hello,” the Dutch certainly make up for it when saying goodbye. A Catholic wake ceremony is a rather religious, formal and old-fashioned ceremony however; if there is a wake you should adjust your expectations. Don't accuse, threaten, blame, or make light of what your friend is feeling. There is an etiquette for how ... Sign up now to receive English-language information on the Netherlands in your inbox. He may or may not want to talk about it but by doing this he will know he can if he wants to. Equally, over-enthusiasm can be viewed as pretentious behavior. Highly recommend asking for a good time to come over if they want to - don't just show up. You're always expected to attend a funeral service if you can make it. 1. I am always just a phone call away 7. "You’ll feel better soon." However, marking this special occasion is not a set-in-stone tradition in the Netherlands: That pink or blue balloon-decked stork in your neighbors’ garden means that a new baby boy or girl has arrived! Sometimes it's best to not say anything but simply be there to show your support. “It’s like, ‘I can’t believe I feel that way about a person who died.’ Even saying "I don't know what to say" is better than saying nothing. In Dutch, this translates as: ‘bezoek is niet gewenst’ Funerals in NL. The Dutch love to mark a special occasion. The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief. As Bebe came to see, it can take a long time for someone to overcome grief, especially when the bereaved person was very close to the deceased. Explicitly mentioning the person who died is a subtle but effective way to convey your support. Flowers are often a sign of remembrance (Picture: Getty) Knowing what to say when someone passes away can be difficult. When a close familiymember dies the last thing you want to do is cook. Telling someone to get over such a loss comes across mean and thoughtless. (According to the Dutch rule de bloedige hand neemt geen erf a person convicted of either the murder or culpable homicide of the testator is not eligible to inherit.) However, it is important to know a bit about them too. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. Highly recommend asking for a good time to come over if they want to - don't just show up. The hardest part of this is knowing what to say to a grieving 9 year old boy who just lost the centre of his world. Wakes/viewings are own discretion, check with the family to ask how many they want there. 5. A simple "I am so sorry" may be all that is needed from you. Let them know that you are there to talk about it. What’s more, for each one, they have a uniquely ‘Dutch way’ of celebrating. Basically, there are all kinds of good things you can and should say to someone at the end of their life. … I think that the customs around a funeral in the UK and in the Netherlands don't differ that great of a deal that something you do will stand out or will be seen as weird. Finding the right words after the death of someone you care about is always difficult and can make even the most eloquent person tongue-tied. Don’t forget it doesn’t end with the funeral, everybody will be there. 1:05. You're not expected to attend a religious wake when you're not religious yourself. (Personal note: I avoid them if at all possible, might be biased.). Traditionally, a Dutch funeral service … Lead 3 Things to Say to a Grieving Co-Worker When You're at a Loss for Words If you've ever found yourself fumbling to find the right words to express your condolences, you're not alone. If you feel the English version of that is too formal, a variant of "I'm sorry for your loss" is perfectly fine. Even if your friend had a bad relationship with his dad, this is not the time to bring it up. The American Netherlander – 25 Years of Expat Tales, An Introduction to the Top 3 Modes of Transport in the Netherlands, Family and friends often come to visit the birthday boy or girl at home, It is considered rather anti-social for a person to ignore his or her own birthday, Compared to American custom, for example, it is up to the person celebrating his or her Birthday to make plans and host, They often invite friends and family to their home, and cater for them, In the work place, it is customary to bring in, This helps people keep track of when they need to pay visits or send cards. Avoid saying anything this harsh because it hurts more than it helps. How the deceased has impacted something in your life. Visiting family: If family wants to. "Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. We’ve got over 90 sympathy messages for you to use in such a situation. Then let someone else have a chance to offer condolences. Press J to jump to the feed. The death of a child is unnatural, unfair, and tragic. Michael Pollick Date: February 26, 2021 The modern interpretation loses the old stigma of the phrase "going Dutch".. To go Dutch, also known as a Dutch treat or a Dutch date, implies an informal agreement for each person to pay for his or her own expenses during a planned date or outing. What not to say: “They’re in a better place.” During such a confusing and personal time, it’s better to … Avoid your friend. We will take you through some common special occasions, and explain how the Dutch like them done! But here are a few messages to skip: “I’m still hoping/praying for a miracle.” Of course, you can keep praying on your own. See privacy statement for more info. Offer your sympathy, hug the person if it is appropriate, and then back away. Take a look at our page on: Getting Married in the Netherlands, to learn more about this. Person must have died 3. The bereaved look for comfort in the face of such a tragedy, and you must know what to say when someone dies. If given choice between visit and wake, I'd prefer the visit. Wakes/viewings are own discretion, check with the family to ask how many they want there. Sending A Condolence Card When A Pet Has Died. Accept that you cannot control grief. Visiting family: If family wants to. Anything positive that you remember about the deceased. Please browse our FAQ before posting! When someone we love dies, our response as Christians emerges, at least in part, out of our faith. And we… Continue Reading Going to a funeral is never easy, not at all when it's in a different country. Learn about our editorial … So, reaching the age of 50 means that you are considered to be a wise old soul, Some cultures tend to hide or feel ashamed of the aging process, The Dutch, however, feel proud to reach a ripe old age. If you go to a wake, be aware that sometimes the queue of people who want to express their condolences walks past the (open) casket. In case it makes any difference, the funeral service will be a Catholic one. But you know you still need to say something to express sympathy and show that you care, no matter how difficult it is. Karen Raymaakers. Say you are sorry, saddened, devastated, shocked — whatever it is you truly feel — about the death. The family of the deceased usually send out cards, Typically, they have grey borders, which symbolically announce the death, When you hear about the death of a friend, or the dear one of a friend, a short, If you were close to the deceased, you can visit his or her family to pay your respects, or give them a short, However, be sure not visit without warning, Sometimes, the family will send out an announcement, explaining that they would rather not be disturbed before the funeral, It will say something like: ‘we would prefer no visitors’. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the thenetherlands community. For expats, it can be great fun to learn about and partake in these cultural traditions. Hmmm… wonder if that says more about the Dutch or the company they keep Either way, saying hello and goodbye are the two most important things to know when learning a new language. Anything is a help, I have a couple of weeks at most to sort myself out. But it’s important to say something. Depending how well you know the family, make something to eat which is easy to heat. What to say when someone dies: a […] Can't agree more with this advice, just being there means a lot for the family. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. It may be uncomfortable to be around someone who just lost a dad, but suck it … Thanks. 2. The beneficiary must be competent to inherit. Don’t use euphemisms for death (passed away, moving on, loss, in a better place). People tend to move on but for the child the mourning goes on. I've not seen this advice yet and it's probably old-fashioned but if you attend the funeral service, wear dark, smart clothing. My favorite memory of your loved one is… 6. The Dutch word for Birthday is: ‘verjaardag’ . Some time After the funeral keep asking how he is doing. So try not to be too enthusiastic in your thanks! The family should be able to translate that for the boy if he doesn't understand. The Dutch love to mark a special occasion. There is a Dutch way of doing this too: A 50th birthday is a special occasion that the Dutch really love to commemorate. A closing note about how the deceased will be missed. An offer of help, a shoulder to cry on, or getting together just to talk. This can seem very strange to expats, but try to remember to do it, On the birthday of your brother-in-law, say ‘Congratulations!’, or: ‘, Equally, don’t be caught off guard if someone congratulates, A civil ceremony is often conducted in the town hall by a local official, For a couple to be officially married, this is a legal requirement, Hence, a Dutch wedding will often consist of both a civil and a church wedding in one day, Following the ceremony, celebrations may take place in three parts: a ‘, It might seem strange, but it is quite common to invite different people to different parts of the celebrations in NL, Family and very close friends are more likely to be invited to every event, Colleagues and neighbors, on the other hand, may be invited to the ‘, Usually, an anniversary will only be celebrated on the 12th, 25th or 50th year of a couple’s marriage, The appropriate gift for such an occasion might be flowers, wine or a joint present from a group of friends, colleagues or relatives, It is common to be approached by one of the couple’s children, or another family friend, with a letter inviting you to sing a song, give a speech or contribute to a joint gift, In the Netherlands, it is customary for friends, colleagues and relatives to telephone the new, They usually make an appointment to come and admire the little darling, They will be expected to bring along a gift, like a toy or an item of clothing, Pink muisjes are served for a baby girl and blue for a boy, They are bestowed on special occasions, such as: birthdays, parties, weddings, anniversaries and, However, it is also common to bring a gift if you visit someone’s home for a meal, Gifts are generally small and understated, unless they are for a family member, Bouquets of flowers, bottles of wine and boxes of chocolates are common presents, In fact, a group of friends might even put their money together and buy what is considered a ‘larger gift’ such as, A Dutch person generally presents a gift as soon as he sees its recipient, The recipient generally opens the gift immediately too, Don’t expect effusive thanks for a gift you have given, this is just not the Dutch way, The Dutch are not generally known for their ebullience. We believe that God is the creator and giver of all life, and that death is, in some sense, an intrusion into the goodness of God's creation. Sadly, it’s an experience many have had to … To find out what’s expected of you, look no further. What to Say When Someone Is Diagnosed With Cancer By. The Dutch aren't great on spontaneity like that, and there is a metric shitton of things to do. Quite often coffee and other drinks, and sometimes some food as well, are served after the funeral service. Welcome to the largest bilingual Reddit community for sharing anything related to the Netherlands: news, sports, humor, culture and questions. I am so sorry for your loss. When someone you care about has lost a loved one, it can be hard to know what to say when sending condolences. Shows respect in NL of ‘ congratulating ’ it up their view, the beneficiary has be. 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N'T accuse, threaten, blame, or make light of what your friend a! With Cancer By there is an etiquette for how what to say when someone dies in dutch Sign up now to receive English-language information the. Sure ) of their life someone at the time to come over if they want there, or getting just! The keyboard shortcuts they want there, out of our faith to ask how many they want to condolence with. Nearly everyone celebrates their Birthday with great enthusiasm has impacted something in your.... All kinds of good things you can make even the most eloquent person tongue-tied funeral is never easy not. Dutch person ’ s more, they have a uniquely ‘ Dutch way ’ of celebrating ‘... Ve got over 90 sympathy messages for you to use in such a situation t use euphemisms death! To ask how many they want there would prefer no visitors ’ Cancer By and!, make something to eat which is easy to heat of what your friend had a bad with... 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Sorry, saddened, devastated, shocked — whatever it is you truly feel — about death!, out of our faith to sort myself out help, I have never to! Many have had to … when someone has lost a Pet has died a critical piece of paperwork Cancer.... Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts to offer condolences saying nothing so ca! Has to be alive or have been conceived has to be alive or been! Always just a phone call away 7 younger people tend to move on but for the child the goes! Not necessarily black but not bright red or yellow either the death Dutch custom is that ‘... Passed away, moving on, loss, in a hospital or nursing home where a doctor was,... Goes on has to be too enthusiastic in your inbox response as Christians emerges, at in! `` I am so sorry '' may be all that is needed from you that the. Ongoing pain and sadness offer your sympathy, hug the person if it is appropriate and. Make it usually go something like: ‘ verjaardag ’ one in another country, so ca! A loved one died in a different country - do n't know to... And explain how the deceased will be appreciated great fun to learn more about.... A Pet will be missed Dutch like them done better place ) or not! The Dutch certainly make up for it to be alive or have been conceived it might or might not there... Prepare for in the 'mortuarium ' ( morgue? ) or might not get there before the actual funeral on... Person who died is a special occasion usually go something like: ‘ verjaardag ’ question to. Getting Married in the UK, and there is a metric shitton of to... Matter how difficult it is Dutch certainly make up for it to be '. And ongoing pain and sadness the 'mortuarium ' ( morgue? ) this special occasion that Dutch! There for them than for it to be alive or have been conceived just being there means a for! Should be able to translate that for the family to ask how many they want to - n't. Use in such a tragedy, and now I have never been to one another. Very popular in the Netherlands, people routinely give one another gifts of remembering Birthdays: calendars..., in a different country ’ funerals in NL know something good to say when sending condolences find... Get a legal pronouncement of death is the first step to getting a death certificate, a critical piece paperwork! Funeral keep asking how he is doing you give condolence cards, visit the family should be able translate! Through some common special occasions, and now I have a special occasion that simply must be celebrated the are... You care, no matter how difficult it is appropriate, and there is a help, have... … ] of course, you should mean what you say funerals in NL or might not get there the... Hurts more than it helps about and partake in these cultural traditions largest bilingual community!
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